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Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Missing that special one
So it has been 36 hours since I have received a text message or a phone call from her. The last message that i got from her just said "morning" so I responded back about an hour later "Hi". I refuse to be the one this time to break down and text or call her. I can guarantee she won't answer if I call, that's just how she is. As for a text message she is probably stubborn enough to hold out till thanksgiving before she says anything. It's so hard to go through the day wondering how she is or what she's up to. So for now all I can do is be strong and wait to see if she wishes to keep the relationship going.
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8 comments:
sounds like a dead relationship. Get out while the getting is good and find someone that actually likes to be around you and be with you. That person is out there you just have to get off your butt and make yourself available. At least there are no kids to worry about.
Sometimes the relationship feels dead but then at other times she is totally into me. I feel as if she may not know what she wants and that she says she wants to marry me just to get me to shut up. She has two girls 12 and 13. Who I have grown attached to so that kinda hurts even more...I feel as if I would be loosing all three.
it's a cliche but if you have to fight tooth and nail to be loved it's not worth it she's just not that into you.
It sounds like she's with you out of convenience. I simply say this because it is convenient for her to have you around so she isn't alone. Do you really wanna be dealing with this and worse 5 years from now when you can have someone that actually is into you?
People say a lot of things like marriage and I love you but look at her actions. She after all this time cares for you but isn't in love with you. It sucks but I say let it go you shouldn't beg for a kiss let alone sex. Be strong and move on there is a lot of literature out there on how to get over a break up. I suggest you check it out and it will help. I did it it was hard but I'm better off...
Some times I feel like it is out of convenience. I'm only in her life when SHE wants me there. But when I bring it up to her she says I'm crazy or dumb for thinking that and that she does love me.
my man went back to the army last month, our relationship was pretty amazing,,,too good to be true. at first he would text and call for a couple minutes each day,, i felt such seperaton aniety,he didn't sound the same. i just knew things were over, and would never be the same.. he called and told me he was through with me and i haven't heard from him in a week.. i was so sure i meant more than that....still gullable after all these years.
barb- sorry to hear about your man doing that to you. It's so hard to be the one on the end trying to figure things out. I find it interesting how we can feel in our hearts and stomachs that things just aren't right in a relationship. I know how it feels to be going along thinking things are going good, and then poof, All the sudden life has changed. I keep hoping that if she isn't the right one for me that one day the right girl will walk into my life.
I wrote this story to try to resolve my feelings and put this behind me...
There’s a bad moon on the rise
It’s been four years since I won for my freedom. This past year was the best. Jason had just returned from his deployment from Kuwait and he meant business. He thought things through while he was away. I had been scared and weary for a long time, had all but given up. I lost everything I had loved and worked so hard for. He picked me up and carried me for as long as he could. He encouraged me everyday to fight back and keep believing in myself. There were days he had to drag me up. I let my guard down and trusted him. He was there every night, holding me while I cried. He made me laugh and forget for awhile. His arms were so safe and comforting, so loving.
Separation anxiety and fear of the future are the demons I face everyday. The never the ending cycle of life and the changes it brings, terrifies me. “What next?” In my mind, it has been just one horrible battle after another. I’m not a fighter; no good in war, passive and fearful I would prefer to pick up my tent in search of safer ground. But the war of living in this place has no boundaries. It battles everywhere I go.
Could he have possibly known what he was getting into? His infatuation, lust, and desire led him down my lonely path. He had been so inspired when he came home. He wanted all of me. Sitting at the counter night after night, he waited for me to turn my attention to him, and I did. I warned him of all my insanities, my intense need for attention, and needy 5 year old mentality. I explained “the idea of something is often better than the thing itself.” I told him I was no prize; he should find a better mate. Despite better judgment, I felt so safe and loved with him, I gave him every love I had. He took me to the clouds and held me in the moonlight…..the most amazing love.
His friends and relatives were appalled by his choice. “What are you gonna do? Marry her and become a grandfather at 23?” asked his best friend.” she’s how old?” they all asked. His mother didn’t speak to him for months after he told her about me. Despite their opinions, he was in it, giving every love he could offer.
He respected my ability to survive and fight back when things got tough. He liked the fact that I was unbreakable. He intended to make it better for me. To teach me there was a different kind of love. He thought he could teach me to think differently. Neither of us knew this was an impossible task.
Severe post traumatic stress affects 8% of all trauma victims. How did I end up in this 8%? It wasn’t just one or two incidents that put my brain in chaos; a life time of “crazy, bad shit”. Some things I had no control over, others I created, playing the role of a victim. Weak and vulnerable I learned to not trust myself or anyone else.
I felt it coming for awhile, months, perhaps most of this past year. Memories haunted me. Paranoia and fear filled my thoughts every moment of the day, terrified by life’s day to day flow. Thoughts of going to work and school gave me intense anxiety. Fear of poverty and a sense of failure crept up on me constantly. Knowing that someday my man would have to leave again broke my heart daily. Jason reassured me everyday “It’ll be ok, hun. I’m here for you.” “Relationships always need maintenance” he would say.
When Jason left, I went into a complete state of panic in my mind. I was left alone to face my demons. Without him here to love me, I dropped from the clouds and crashed straight down. Hell is in the mind.
I cried out to him but he was already gone. I knew before he left things were different, he seemed so unconcerned. I didn’t react as he expected, I was supposed to be tougher. I wasn’t supposed to need him anymore. He used to call me his Barbie doll. The realization hit me I had been just a toy. Requiring too much maintenance, I became a memory, unnecessary, the unbreakable broken Barbie.
Barb-
Thank you so much for sharing that with me and others who get the chance to read it. You are not alone in this world with your feelings of neediness and fear of being alone. I think as time goes by the older one gets the more fear of being alone sets in. I see my grandparents that are still left and also the ones that have passed and how sad it is for them once their loved one has passed on to sit alone daily...even when family comes to visit. You know life is different for them. They miss their life long friend and lover. I think we all want to find that special someone we can find and trust and love till we die. I couldnt imagine getting old and dieing alone. It's a fear that we all face. Thanks Again for sharing that with us.
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