Help My Heart Understand

Met a new girl

2009-04-28T00:47:00.001-07:00

So its been 3.5 months since I broke up with the ex...I finally met a girl that I think could be a good one. She's 27 so close to my age...seems to be easy going, caring, and has good morals. I'm kinda excited.

I ended the relationship Today

2009-01-10T14:31:00.001-08:00

For all of those who were wondering how the story ends..It's OVER!

Rainy Days Make Me Think About D

2008-12-16T19:26:00.000-08:00

Today was kinda a sucky day all around...rainy freezing cold, windy....just sucked here. Well today We texted back and forth nothing major going on in our relationship...sometimes when you just sit back and think about things after a seperation...you or at least I tend to think...Is this relationship going to be stuck right where it is at at this moment...or will there ever be a future?>?! It's so hard to try and determine what is in the other person's head and what are they thinking...Am I mister right now...or do they really mean it when they say...They love you and want to marry you?! Who knows...it stresses me out so much I just try to forget about it all together. Hope all is well with everyone else today. Its getting so close to christmas....I tell you what single at christmas doesnt suck.

one day at a time

2008-12-15T22:37:00.000-08:00

Today was a pretty good day. We didnt talk to much at all. Ive been kinda sick and I guess she says she is not feeling good now as well. I did go over to her house tonight and help her kids fix the computer and stuff...so me and the girls had fun...mom was asleep in bed cause she gets up to work really early in the mornings. I don't know how others feel but I feel like its worth the effort.

Taking it one step at a time

2008-12-14T18:43:00.000-08:00

So yeah it's been a minute since my last post and I appologize. Between work and sleep I haven't had to much time lately. Me and the lady have been talking and trying to work things out. We are just taking things slowly and working on trying to treat each other better....mostly her treating me better HAHA! Yesterday evening we went to look at this house that must have a million lights hanging from it and around the yard. It was incredible. Then we went to a local christmas tree lane. I have to admit we had a good time and it was nice to hang out.

Its always hard going against the grain. Most people would tell me to move on...She sucks...You can do better. It seems as if that is the american way now days to just bail when you are going through a tough stage in life,work, love, and marriage. Ladies I want to say that it is important to take care of the man you love and treat him with respect and thankfulness, if he is a good man. So often it's easy to tear apart people and point out our loved ones faults. No good can come from this. I guarantee that if you lift up the one you love and give him respect and be thankful for what he has provided nothing but good will come from it and together you will be more successful for it. I can tell you that if the woman I love has my back...It energizes me to do so much better in life. It's true for every man. We need that respect and in turn we will start giving it back.

Says she loves me!

2008-12-04T07:05:00.000-08:00

So just because someone says that they love you does it really mean that they love you? Sometimes I feel as if her actions aren't showing love...but the more I talk to people the more I hear about people saying they have married to others that are the same way...just don't share their feelings all that much and don't offer displays of affection. Has anyone else experienced this? Is it hard or something you just get used to....can it still mean they love you just don't know how to show it?

Back talking again!!

2008-12-03T17:18:00.000-08:00

So you are probably wondering where I have been for a few days. Well between work since I am self employed and taking care of chores around the house...THE GF and I are back to talking terms again and so far things are going good.

We have at least sat down together and talked about our feelings and what we both want and expect from each other.

After spending a few days of soul searching by myself...I have come to maybe think that I might be some of the problem.

I tend to do a lot for friends and family and I kind of have a tendency to throw things in people's face without even thinking.

For instance a good friend of mine , I had helped her obtain a free gym membership through one of my other close friends. One day she was upset at me and called me a SHITTY friend. I couldn't believe that I was called that by her. After all I always came and helped do things...we didnt talk every day but I had arrived late to her sons birthday and she was upset with me. At the time I was kind of cash poor and wasnt able to get her son a gift so I felt bad and didnt want to let her know that was the reason why....so after a couple weeks of her and I not talking I was trying to get ahold of her. She wasn't returning phone calls...I assumed she was mad about me not getting a gift. So I said, "I guess you are mad at me for not getting your son a gift. " Her response was, "No I'm mad because you are a shitty friend." So without thinking I said...."Oh I'm such a shitty friend, but I get you a free gym membership, while I pay for mine."

So I guess my stupid mouth get's me in trouble and when talking to my friend about the troubles in my relationship with my girlfriend I asked her to be blunt with me about things....so she tells me i need to be considerate of others feelings and to give without expecting back...It is true although I don't expect anything back typically when I do need something I do take it personal and get upset cause the person doesnt offer any help or support when I need it.

Update

2008-11-29T22:57:00.000-08:00

So I know it's been a minute but I have been doing things to keep her off my mind. I helped my brother in law put up their christmas lights...fun fun. Then I went and hung out with my friend and followed her around while she did her shopping. I have been in contact via text message with my GF. But thats pretty much it. The conversation is stale...Just a what are you doing? oh ok well thought I'd say hi kinda crap. I know people say I shouldnt respond to her...but I do like and care about her. What do you think?

Black Friday

2008-11-28T07:54:00.000-08:00

So I was dragged out with my sister and brother in law to Thanksgiving dinner and I had an absolute great time. Played the Nintendo Wii for the first time...it's fun. Watched football good food and good company. I would have to say that really helped me out alot just getting out and my mind on other things. Plus a cute girl that I have known for awhile had text me happy thanksgiving so that made my day as well. Anyways. Today is Black Friday....normally I would probably be out spending my hard earned money on My gf and her kids...But today I think I'm gonna go out and make it all about me. I havent purchased anything for myself in a long time. This should be interesting to see what I end up spending my money on. Out to fight the crowds. Wish me luck.

Tonight I wanna cry

2008-11-27T13:15:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here listening to songs and I found one that fits my mood perfectly .... It's by Keith Urban...song name Tonight I Wanna Cry.

Anyways... I'm getting alot of advice from people saying to move on and such and to date all kinds of women before I settle down. I'm not bragging but I don't usually have a problem finding a girlfriend...I was just raised to be a one woman kind of guy. My father was and still is a great example of how a man should be. I just have a hard time opening my relationship troubles to my parents...Cause what if I tell them things about her that make them not like her anymore and then we decide to get back together? My parents will have annymosity towards her. I do not want this. As for dating several women...that's not me. I just want that one girl who loves me for who I am and wants to be my best friend. It's not the quantity of women I am looking for. It's the quality of A woman that I'm wanting in my life. I want a love that when their long hard day is over...they can bring it home to me. That they know they have someone that loves them more than life...someone who wants to make it all right. Willing arms that want to hold them tight. Right here. Has anyone here watched the movie Fireproof where the guy is challenged by the love dare?

Feeling the hurt

2008-11-27T11:09:00.001-08:00

I'm feeling the hurt right now. I feel anger. I feel betrayed. I feel like just telling her to get lost. There are plenty of other girls out there that show interest in me and I keep true to her. This isnt the first time we have been through this kind of thing and I'm sick of it. What kind of woman wouldnt love to have a guy who treats them great and makes sure there kids don't go without and get the things they need.

Thanksgiving morning

2008-11-27T07:41:00.000-08:00

Well ... I didn't sleep very good at all last night. I wonder....Is she loosing sleep over this as well? Is it tearing her up inside like it is me? See it's not that we have only dated for 2.5 years and that I'm 30 she is 35. But we met 10 years ago working together when I was 19-21 years of age and she was the most beautiful girl I had ever met in my life at that time. I had such a huge crush on her and to have stayed her friend through the years and finally when I asked her out 2.5 years ago on a date she said yes. Now our friendship was distant but we maintained contact. I could always feel she cared about me and that I cared about her to that point. I never wanted to infringe on any relationship she had and tell her how I felt. So when we had reconnected I told her that I would like the chance to date her and see where it took us. So maybe that's why this is so hard for me. I know people say I need to ditch her and move on...but should we as humans always take off when things get hard or should we display unconditional love even at a time where there seems to be no hope?!

She texted me TODAY!

2008-11-26T21:13:00.000-08:00

So around 11 am today she finally sent me a text asking "how are you?" I told her I was doing ok and asked how she was. She just responds with I'm here...kinda like well i'm alive. and said well just thought I'd say hi. I told her that was nice of her. Then her response is Yea im not nice very often but I responded that I liked that side of her and that was it for today. Wow...I don't know why but I felt very warm and shaky at the same time...It was good for the moment but then as time went on today I kept missing her and wishing she was here. Why would she text if she didn't truely love me? I don't get it. Is she just hurt right now? Maybe it's depression...things are tough with money being tight. However I am totally bummed right now about Thanksgiving...being alone for the holidays hurts so much. We were going to spend our first thanksgiving together this year. I was excited about that for sure. I miss the girls too...they are so funny. Man tonights going to be a long night...just waiting and wishing.

Details of last conversation

2008-11-26T08:23:00.001-08:00

Right now I'm looking at 48 hours and still no sign of life from her. How could someone I've treated so good by helping her out with bills, gas money, and necessities for kids be so cold hearted as to not even send a message about hey I don't think I want to be with you anymore or say hey I don't love you anymore? The last phone conversation we had was Sunday evening. I called her to ask how she was doing since I've been working a lot of hours we haven't had much time to see each other. I commute with my job about 1.5 hours a day so sometimes I'm gone a lot. Then conversation kinda went like this.

ME: Hi how are you?
HER: I'm ok just here at home.
ME: Cool, what are the girls doing?
HER: They are with there aunt and Dad.
HER: I have to go get them a dress.
ME: What do they need a dress for?
HER: A Dance
ME: Oh That's fun.
ME: So what's going on with us? I really want us to get along. I consider you my best friend. I enjoy the time we spend together as well as the time with the kids and us. Even if its as simple as running to target.
HER: Yeah me too.

The conversation went on for a few more minutes about how I feel and would like her to treat me a little better as well as the things I feel I do wrong in the relationship that I need to correct. Mostly just getting upset when she pushes me away and ignores me. She says she can't tell me things because I always get upset. NOT TRUE. I get upset when she has ignored me for a day and then she finally decides to talk to me and then tells me what she did. That's when I get ticked. But I don't yell or swear I just tell her how uncool or unfair she is and that it's not helping the relationship any. On the phone she tells me how she hates talking about this stuff and is not well spoken as I am about feelings and that I know this already. But after 2.5 years u should be comfortable with sharing feelings shouldn't you? She says I just make her mad and put her in a shitty mood when I talk about this kinda stuff.

I know one comment has said that they feel the relationship is dead. But trust me when we are getting along we have great times together. It's hard to understand why she slips into these moods of ignoring me. Could it be the stress of her car payment, rent, bils? Since work has slowed down and she has moved into an apartment she now only works 4 days a week and was used to 5 days a week with a day of overtime on saturdays as well. She has a tough job schedule of having to be to work at 5 am so that means she must be up by at latest 4. I try all I can to help her out with things but for some reason she is just as stubborn as a mule.

Missing that special one

2008-11-25T20:01:00.000-08:00

So it has been 36 hours since I have received a text message or a phone call from her. The last message that i got from her just said "morning" so I responded back about an hour later "Hi". I refuse to be the one this time to break down and text or call her. I can guarantee she won't answer if I call, that's just how she is. As for a text message she is probably stubborn enough to hold out till thanksgiving before she says anything. It's so hard to go through the day wondering how she is or what she's up to. So for now all I can do is be strong and wait to see if she wishes to keep the relationship going.

Empty Love

2008-11-23T22:37:00.001-08:00

I don't know where to start so if I ramble I apologize. I've been dating a girl for 2.5 years now and the bond of the heart doesn't seem to be progressing for her. Sometimes I get a feeling like it is...and then all the sudden she seems to back off...First she comes on strong like she'll love you with all her heart then it fades to dust. How can someone tell you they love you but they don't like to hold hands in public or private. No hugs. No kisses. When you receive a hug and there is no warm feeling from it or the only way to get a kiss is to ask for it. A kiss that is straight lipped with no passion behind it at all. It kills me inside to not receive any affection back. It's what I refer to as empty love. A love that is there...or is said out loud with no action to back it up. It's a love that is reactive and not proactive. Is there anyone else in a relationship where the love is like this? This can't be normal. If someone exhibits this kind of empty love feelings is there ever going to be hope that it will change at age 35? I would love to receive any comments or suggestions.

Why this blog?

2008-11-23T22:34:00.000-08:00

I started this blog to basically help figure out whats in my heart and fight the thoughts in my head. Feel Free to comment your own feelings or questions here if you wish...Hopefully if you are having a hard time in love and life this will help you feel like maybe you are not alone!